liberatedpen

Wow. Haven't been here in a while.

Life was too good for internet facade's and examples of people worse than me.

Now you're officially with someone else. I can't say that I'm surprised. I can say I'm a little heartbroken. I was also lying to myself when I told myself that maybe it could work. Things like you and me never work. At least, never longer than in the moment. It's too bad that a moment was all we had.

I think I took a lot for granted. I think I took a lot. I was seeing too many not to be seen by you.

 

Coffee long forgotten on the windowsill, arms draped across shy skin, I wish I had the force of will to stop at one, but I'll never win...

Who loses in a race against lust?

You or me or both- and when?

I think we fall because we must.

Lie down to get  back up again.

 

And still I hide my face in shame every time your memory rocks my brain with scenes better left unseen by everyone caught in between.

 

Here's to all the things that could have been if I hadn't been such a horrible, horrible person. I never wanted to be this girl, so why did I let myself become her? This shade of Two-Faced doesn't look good on me.

Coffee long forgotten on the window sill

Arms draped across shy skin

I wish I had the force of will

To stop at one, but I'll never win.

Who loses in a race against lust?

You or me or both- and when?

I think we fall because we must;

Lie down to get back up again.

But still I hide my face in shame

Every time your memory rocks my brain

With scenes better left unseen

By everyone caught in between.

--------------------------------------

I see you've brought your bones again

Dressed up in designer clothes.

It's nice to see you, how've you been?

The party just died and everyone knows.

Come Monday, it'll be alright

You'll have been forgiven, you'll have stayed the night.

But let me make one thing clear:

It doesn't mean she was never here.

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Little triumphs and small retreats litter my memories of this summer. It's so strange to keep going when I feel like almost nothing lies in wait at the finish line. Will  you be there?

Smile with me as I take a pretty picture. You're beautiful today.

And you're just one man on my journey of dreams

You're just one fool who doesn't know what he means

It's a long night but the morning will come

We'll soon feel the light of the sun

So, so long,

I'll walk tall down the path I have made

And wait for your memory to fade.

So long.

There are clothes on the line outside.

Milk crates form your living room.

Fans stir a breeze that tries to hide

The overwhelming heat of noon.

A never-ending moment passes.

We never have to say goodbye.

Amidst the sweat of empty glasses,

Just the echo of our sighs.

You light your cigarettes with matches

And ignore the blatant metaphor

Of old relationships and ashes

Constantly knocking on your door.

Reruns play mute on black and white

Swing dances through our ears

Lying in wait for the fight

Of one-too-many stupid fears

And I go, go before it starts

Before the breaking of two hearts.

And you light your cigarettes with matches

That burn relationships to ashes.

It's so easy to smile sometimes.

I recently got this in a fortune cookie: A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given a chance.

I love that. It spurred me on to think 'We have to give our dreams the light of day'. Provoke my thoughts. I beg you.

The play I'm directing is coming up fast. I'm getting really excited about it. My actresses are wonderful. I can't wait. People here need to see them. They are talented, beautiful, amazing women who deserve so much more than they've received here. I thank them all for what they bring to the stage each night.

I'd like to think I'm doing a good, or at least decent job, but I'm not sure. This is my first endeavor into the world of directing. I hope I pass (though I'm not expecting flying colors).

Busy week. Whirling thoughts. In the cab on the way home last night, streetlamps took on new worlds. So much encompassed in the glow.

Streetlight planets / Create stratospheres of sight / Lines blurred by chemicals / And fond embraces / In that lovely beginning time

...And Rightfully So.

I don't think there was a bad seat in the house at last night's concert at the All-State, formerly known as the Rosemont Horizon, formerly known as... well, you get the idea.

This was my first concert for both Rise Against and My Chemical Romance, and I definitely wasn't disappointed. Rise Against performs with a passion and dedication to convey a message that I think is lacking in a lot of bands these days. I applaud their efforts to challenge the minds of the youth of today.

When My Chemical Romance came out onstage, I'm pretty sure the earth stopped. No joke. Now, I've been a casual listener of My Chem for a few years now, and I can't help but feel that they get better with each album.

I've never been to a concert where the band played the whole album all the way through- this may be in part because not many bands venture into the realm of concept albums (and even more rarely a concept album of this caliber). All of the members of My Chem have this insane stage presence that takes over the entire room, and last night was no exception. All eyes were glued to the stage as an intricately woven album came to life before our very eyes. It was insane. It was beautiful. It was gripping. It was MCR, and it was right on.

THEN comes a short intermission before the band came back out to play some classic MCR songs, which had the crowd right back to eating out of the palm of Gerard's very talented hand.

Their show is insane. I'm definitely going to any show they play near here in the future. It was worth it on so many levels.

Okay, so... V and I were robbed at gunpoint last night/this morning.

It happened fast but takes a while to tell. Long story short: we had everything stolen from us, but we're okay. They're material possessions. Big whoop.

No, we weren't in a bad neighborhood. No, we weren't on a dark side-street. No, we didn't do anything wrong. We were walking on a busy, well-lit street, attempting to hail a cab (since the El station nearby was shut down). We handled the situation remarkably well.

If anybody wants to know what happened, I don't mind telling you, but send me a message and I'll relay the events.

Smile. It could have been so much worse.

It was only serious until we got home. Then the jokes began. : )

P.s.- Right before we were mugged, I had just finished a really awesome date with a really awesome guy. My thoughts went something like this: 'Aw, he's so great, I really like him-GUN!!!!'

P.p.s.- I also find it really ironic that I literally JUST bought the wallet that was in my purse about twelve hours before it was stolen. I'm SUPER glad I splurged and invested in that. :)

Crazy days. Can't sleep at night. Is it physical or mental? I honestly don't know.

Exciting things followed up with stale dreams. Unfortunate but predictable.

I keep notebooks by my bed because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find words in my head. I came up with, but feel like I can't really take credit for, them. It's odd, but... comforting? To know that something's going on when my eyes are closed. I recharge and restart. I sigh.

Here's the latest:

'To see you in my distant thoughts and try you in my dreams

Makes me someone that I'm not and this world not what it seems."

Not sure why, but I have an inkling.

The beginning of March is too far away. Lots of good things lined up for me. It's going to be pretty damn sweet. Smile. Smile. Smile.

How are you? We haven't spoken in such a long while.

Welcome to Chapter One: The Beginning.

Not sure how long this one'll be. We haven't written the whole thing yet. In fact, we've only just begun.

He wants to know me. It's been a long time since someone wanted to know me. Smile.

I've got work to do. Enough typing at you. I'll leave you with this:

Never-Never Land

The daily fix that pounds through my veins.

I hope I never get clean and leave you

'Cuz you're the only thing keeping me sane."

Week one down. Fifteen to go. I don't know if it'll be a good semester or not. I don't know if I can let it be. I guess we'll see.

I miss... a lot of things. But mostly recess.

Bears won. Rock.

Don't worry. When it's over you'll breathe again.

Back to classes next week. Rock. Very happy about that. The grass is always greener.

Got a new phone today. Rock harder. Perhaps this one won't die after a mere three minutes of use. And as a bonus I'll actually get reception in my apartment. One can only hope.

I need a steady stream of concerts and the guarantee of the company of friends to get me through the near future. Hopefully that includes you.

I'm out like grout.

Currently listening : Live at World Cafe By Gabe Dixon Band

I had a really awesome last few days. I'm feeling... rejuvenated.

Have you ever had a moment that took you by such surprise that a minute later you couldn't grasp the magnitude of it all?

This morning I had a moment in time I would give up a lot to go back to recapture, but I lost it and I can't get it back. It aches a little that I missed that moment. It hurts that I couldn't wrap my mind around it enough to keep it near and dear. All I know is that I had a moment that could have changed my life, had I had the foresight to live in it instead of being swept along beside it.

V and I spent the afternoon/evening in Chicago. I love my second home. I can't wait to go back.

Time for bed. Except I can't sleep.

"Don't measure me. Find pleasure in what you see. Put away your sewer's line. I won't be part of your design."

Like an STD."

That would be what I accidentally said in front of one of my professors today. Whoops.

Three finals down, one to go. Rock.

'Drink up, beautiful. I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack.'

A lot of drinking is going to occur starting tomorrow night and running through... a while from now. That's all I'm at liberty to say.

I should be studying. I'm clearly not. Can't wait to go home. So many faces that I want to see.

I thought I quit smoking yesterday. I've decided that I meant I was gonna quit next Wednesday. It'll happen. I promise. I'm done after Wednesday. You can hold me to that. I'll consider this a written contract.

Call me. I'm bored.

"Between yesterday and the future we had a heart-to-heart. Between tomorrow and last year we somehow got to start."

Currently reading :
The Oxford Illustrated History of Theatre (Oxford Illustrated Histories)
By John Russell Brown

And I'm no closer to finishing my paper than I was yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that.

Meh.

A week from tomorrow I'll officially be done with my semester. Rock. Then I'll hit up three concerts on the 17th, 18th, and 19th, head home on the 20th, do the whole 'Holiday' thing, and possibly skip out and stay in California for a week or two before next semester starts. That would rock even harder than being done with this semester.

Lots to do before then, though. I wish that for the next week I wouldn't have the internet on my computer. It's definitely hindering my studying abilities. But it's right there! How could I not use it? It's only a click away. Plus, you guys are all super sexy. A day just isn't a complete day unless I can gaze upon all of your beautiful faces.

Huh. That sounded a little weird. And stalkery. But I'll go with 'weird'.

I think I've had too much coffee.

Currently listening to: Devendra Banhart, Rejoicing In The Hands

I hate the person you choose to be. A thousand hidden insults wrapped up in every encounter equals a thousand steps closer to punching you in the jaw.

I hope that never really happens, but it's nice to think about.

Lately my mind is filled with listless melodies instead of useful information. I push the harsh realities away with nineteen different kinds of denial. I'd list them, but even I don't care.

I hope you don't stop caring. It's scary to think about.

So easy to pretend. Smile.

I can't drink Coke without tasting SoCo.

This is all coming out differently than I intended.

Awesome concert last night. Ryan rocked. Then The Effects blew me away. Definitely going to any show they play anywhere near here.

Plain White T's got added to the concert next week. Pretty cool.

Now I'm just rambling. Even more so than usual.

I'd be cooler if I were you.

I hope I stay me, but it's nice to think about.

...But I Chose This Cup That I Drank From."

Hey, kids. It's time for happy things. Yes, that's right. I said 'Happy things'.

-Pink lemonade chapstick that actually tastest like pink lemonade -A cold glass of water accompanied by a straw -Sleep -Friends -Music -The fact that it's almost the weekend -Empty notebooks -My new boots (are fucking killer) -Zack -Inside jokes -Being young (and not entirely stupid) -Laughing -Ghost Hunters -Feeling brand-new (instead of Brand-Used)

Smile. Go ahead. It feels good. Seriously. Smile for me. Let it come from the inside out.

You probably didn't do it, did you? Suckers. Easiest way to change a bad mood into something good is to do that. Don't believe me? Try it next time you're down. Let me know how it goes. :)

"Smile with me as I take a pretty picture. You're beautiful today."